The Evil Twins ostensibly discovered the Expeditious Vindicator on one of our many forays into a passé concocté, in the attic of Benjamin Waterman’s house in Whitefield, New Hampshire, where Wanda found a large cardboard box, its sides sagging outward with yellowed issues of a pictorial magazine published in Littleton, New Hampshire in the first two decades of the twentieth century.
Each issue turned out to be a treasury of uplifting reading, a prime example being the excerpt provided below.
Errol, Coös County, August 2, 1901— Shortly after midnight police were summoned to a brawl on the lawns of “The Manse,” a boarding house drolly named for its striking contrast with a typical preacher’s home. A resident couple known for frequent and noisy squabbles had awoken a sufficient number of neighbors to arouse complaints.
The police arrived to find both Maggie and Big Feller Ainsworth two sheets to the wind and swinging at each other, the first with an iron ladle and the second with a shoehorn. The police intervened and posthaste elected to arrest the male in the hopes that the fairer sex would then retire quietly. When they had finally succeeded in clamping the irons onto Big Feller’s wrists (drawing forth first the filthiest of curses and then the most pitiable of moans) a sympathetic chum from the Manse shouted from a third storey window, “Lie down, Big Feller! Lie down!”
Big Feller brightened up immediately and threw himself to the ground. Six and a half feet tall and weighing well over 400 pounds, it was impossible for the police to lift him, and so it was necessary to load him onto the wagon as one would drag a recalcitrant steer, by means of ropes and pulleys.
As they were taking him away Maggie Ainsworth, a tear rolling down one cheek, was heard to say, “He never left a mark on me, and ’twas always I who threw the first punch.”
Pizzle rotgut was believed to have been involved.
(Learn more here.)